Excuse me! Errr... Is that my crotch???


******** WARNING! THIS POST COULD TURN OUT TO BE GROSS!********


After being laid up with cold and sore throat for a week, I finally decided that I had to cut my hair. My hair was something I adored and admired (ahem ahem). Not that it was all that classy, or Tom Cruisy but I liked it. And I might add that I had a lot of admirers for my hair!!! Usually, I resisted the urge to cut hair till all the people in my flat would end up commenting on it and moves would start to allot a part of monthly maintenance towards my hair dressing!

But after catching cold three times in a month, I was frustrated with my hair. And I finally decided to cut my hair two days back. I had never been this desperate. Maybe, my feelings could be summed up in the fact that I was even ready to go all "motta”!!! And, so I land at the saloon where I have been going for a few years now.

For all the AC, TV and reclining chair, they charge me 50 bucks for cutting hair. Well, back in Palakkad, near my college, u could get that done with 18 bucks. The only problem would be that u would have to wait for some time, reading all the "painkili" magazines lying around there and double check that the scissors are not rusted. But the guys out there are quite friendly and by the time they finish the job on ur hair, they would have enough info on u that they could possibly sketch a family tree of urs dating back to 5 generations!!!

Getting back to my latest rendezvous with my hair-dresser (I always found this term funny. Back then, I used to imagine what if they really dressed my hair and put some miniskirts on that! Don't call me a perv :-)), I finally reach the saloon. At this time of the day, there is little rush and there is just another guy other than me. And there are a total of four chairs (yeah, this is what I was taking about!) and I sit on one of them. My usual dresser is nowhere to be found. The owner comes to me and I say "Crop it real close. I'm catching this cold frequently these days" and lie back in the chair. With my childish face (he would have never imagined that I'm an Engineer!) I didn't want to sound like those old days when moms used to warn before going to the "barber shop"- "Close crop or I won’t let u in the house!"

Due to the cold, I was frequently taking deep breaths thru my clogged nose (Yuck) to aid my oxygen intake! And I hadn't noticed how I was sitting on the chair. Of course, that white cloth was on me but other than that I hadn't cared how I sat. It was later I noticed that while one of my arms was resting on the armrest of the chair as it should have, the other one was holding the arm rest. Not holding actually; I should say gripping. Well, guys with some imagination, I hope u can imagine the scene. And for those with a poor imagination, I can't do anything!!!

The reason I came to realise this was when I felt something (ahem ahem) hot on my hand. And then I realised that it was his crotch pressing against my hand! For those interested in the biological aspect of this, the crotch is a little hotter than the rest of the body. They say that actually it should be 2 degrees colder, but experience tells me it is not! Well, enough of biology class. The still curious ones can Google it!

Well, it must have been some time that this has been going on cos he was in that position cutting my long locks from the side for quite some time now. I was too busy taking in air and watching out for falling hair. What if they land on my nose and what if they make me sneeze and what if I sneeze and what if some mucous comes out and what if it falls on the table or what if it lands on the mirror and what if....?

Suddenly, I remember Zohan from that crazy-pathetic-attempt-at-hillarious-movie-resulting-in-bad-sucker-movie You Don't Mess With The Zohan. Was he becoming another Adam Sandler with a gayish touch? When I realised this, my first instinct was to pull my hand back. But it was pressing real hard that I couldn't pull it without...err... hurting him! And I was not in any mood to meet his eyes. Is he really gay? Is he one of those who were really happy with the 377 Article??? I was thinking of all the possible combinations ranging from openly gay to paedophile!!!

In the first chance I got, I pulled my hand free! And he continued cutting my hair. At times, I took a peek at the mirror to see his face hoping to catch something that gave away his intentions. It showed nothing and I eased up again and was again busy adjusting the "sangathi" of my breath rhythm. And after sometime, I realised that my hand was again pressing against his all bulging groin; this time, my left hand! And I couldn't tolerate it anymore. I just pulled it at once and he jerked! He looked at me and I looked down. And as I was contemplating on his sexual orientation, I got a weird feeling. What if he was normal and he thought me as gay instead. He must have thought that I was having a "goodtime"!!! I couldn't imagine it. Even though I tried to dismiss it, it became more and more like it to me. I wanted to run away from there. I was brought back to reality by his voice "Is this enough?"

I wouldn't have minded having a little more hair removed but at this moment I just wanted to dash out from the saloon. I said it was enough. I gave his a 100 bucks note. Why the hell didn't I have a 50 bucks note??? And add to that, he didn't have change and had to search around to give me back the 50 bucks. As he gave me back the note, our eyes meet and he smiles at me. I don't know why, but suddenly the scenes from Dostana flashes before my eyes; the scene about how Abhi and John meet in Venice!!!

I dash out of the saloon. And I get onto my bike without another look towards the saloon. And I reach back my flat under one minute. I just can't think of what happened within the last half an hour. I begin to curse the moment I felt like cutting my hair. And as I take a cold shower, I decide that I would never ever set my foot again in that saloon! Never!!! And presently. I'm contemplating on self-sanctions against travelling before the shop for another couple of months!!!

FOOTNOTE: After I crop my hair, I catch fever and was confined to bed for the past two days. Had an awesome time sleeping for most part and more importantly, watching cartoons! My favs now are Jungle Cubs, Jungle Book, Timon and Pumbaa, Loney Tales and plus all those series on Toon Disney!!! If u want to know the timing, sms me. :-)

TOENOTE: More and more people are taking to blogging it seems. Vyshu has hit the stands. Welcome Bro!!!

NAILNOTE: As I was watching Sholay today, I had this crazy idea. Why don't I make a post-fighting episode to it? Nothing like the RGV (Sick) sequel. Just for gags!!! Wait till I pen down the script. Till then, Cheers!!!

11 BackFires:

Gayathri Thursday, August 06, 2009 8:42:00 pm  

satyam para,u were having a good time ryt?? ;) well,are you really gay??!! ;)..appo what will 'ghaziabad' do?? or may be thats also a He??!! :P

The M Thursday, August 06, 2009 9:01:00 pm  

It seems u r very much interested in the Sexual Affinities of people these days. I'm seeing lots on that matter on FB!!! Planning something like the annual sex issue of The Week???

The day u openly declare that u had a hugeeeeeeee crush on Annamma, I'll openly declare that I'm gay!!! :-P

smalltown_girl Wednesday, August 12, 2009 12:33:00 pm  

Jeez that was SO funny :D
i usually dun sit thru LOOONG blogs of strangers, but u compelled me.
awesome writing!!
usually all the funny mallu guys write in malayalam. n glad to see one diff. not that am against malayalam or anything, but i love reading in english. n if u had written this in eng, wudnt it be rather 'chali'??
:D

The M Wednesday, August 12, 2009 1:03:00 pm  

thanx!!! Its gr8 2 hav the one n only Dory here as a reader.

"Chali"??? Wow!!!! Definitely, u seem to hav some connections to Palakkad areas!!! I spent four years there and had an awesome time hearing n saying "chalis"!!!

smalltown_girl Wednesday, August 12, 2009 6:16:00 pm  

wat Dory?? :O :O

The M Wednesday, August 12, 2009 8:52:00 pm  

hmmm...no comments!!!

smalltown_girl Wednesday, August 12, 2009 9:33:00 pm  

:P kidding
the nemo guy is the only one who calls me dory usually :D
and yay!! proud to say am like her including th memory loss :P

btw, u know the current word verification text is DUFFER :O :P

The M Wednesday, August 12, 2009 9:35:00 pm  

Yeah!!!! I luv d movie!!! N i ws rly amused by d fact dt u two chose dese 2 chara!!! Dts ws cute!!!

N I bet I cn beat u in memory loss!!! Try me!!!

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Manish Muralidharan
16/08/2009

a solitary exodus....

this is my space; its all about my life, the people i've met, the people i dream of meeting, people i love, people i like, people i hate, people i miss, people who have influenced me, helped me. it is about those hundreds of my emotions, all small and imperfect, but nevertheless completing me.